An unsent goodbye

I wrote this letter but never sent it to the one it was meant for. Instead, I just had sex with him one last time and never saw him again. Sharing this with my readers today.

—

Dear Penis,

In case you didn’t take note of time, its been over two years we met. I thought I’d take stock of a few things, thus this letter. Although after running it through my mind, the time we had since we met, I am given to understand, this letter would stand true even if I wrote it the first day we met or 10 years from now. Ok may be 10 is exaggeration but like a lot of years from now.

There are two things very great about us, one, we are both very hot; Two, we both like to keep our lives really simple, no complications at all. Here’s what we have done ever since we met – met, had sex, met again and had sex again. We kept meeting and kept fucking and yet in 2 years we never went no where in any directions. Our cars are still parked right where we first met.

In the walk of life we remained strangers as ever although for most parts we were engaged in, what most people seem to believe to be very intimate activity, sex. I consider this an achievement on my part, because before you, I myself didn’t know I was capable of so much sex without one bit of emotional attachment.

Our bodies have been so close yet our hearts have been miles apart, I don’t think I know you, and you don’t know me either. You never said, I never asked. I never said, you never asked. Same shit.

I always thought two close friends can have sex yet not be in love. I was wrong! Two friends can’t do that. Two perfect strangers could.

Two such people who spent all the time in the world fucking each other. Every night their burning bodies curled up against each other, they screamed in pain and moaned in pleasure, small nibbles and passionate kisses were showered on each other, they fucked on the roof under the moonlit sky, they fucked in the bath tub in a hot summer night. Yet all these times, their hearts stayed cold & motionless within its small stone chamber. The doors never opened the souls never met. They remained perfect strangers as ever.

Tell me, do you ever sit back and give a thought to what we are doing?

Not to mention, what is even more bizarre to me is that you have been ‘kind of’ committed to me. I mean I know you weren’t sleeping with other women because you were always sleeping with me and the nights you weren’t with me I knew what you were doing. You never asked me though what I did every time I traveled. I realized you didn’t care.

You took me to dancing when I said, you never take me to dancing. You took me to movies when I said, you never take me to movies. You did everything I asked you to do. You obliged every time.

And at every such time you made my heart skip a beat, stomach churn & vagina twist with strange sensations of love and emotion. A simple touch of your tongue on my cunt made me feel the love but your heart stayed behind closed doors, you never allowed me to get a glimpse of what or who is in there.

Now I am tired.

And also, over the past few weeks our companionship have been reduced to a total of 3 hours of waking time daily, which starts with a phone call, at exactly the same time for the same duration and same short conversation. Followed by the same food at same few places, same house, same bed and sex in the same positions with same intensity.

I am BORED. And I am in LOVE. I have to move on NOW.

I bet the first time you met me you thought I was easy to bed, which turned out to be true because we fucked on our 1st date. And don’t get me wrong the sex was good. Not great but not so bad either. But perhaps you didn’t know, girls who are very easy to get to the bed, are also very easy to slip right out of it.

Sex with you is the first thing I would drop if I had to make myself lighter to stay afloat. Of course I would be happy to trade your dick with your heart, but that is something you don’t know yet. And if I don’t send this letter to you after I finish writing it, you would never know.

Goodbye!

I know, we didn’t have to break up this way, we could talk, we could blah blah and blah…but

Goodbye!

Yours Vagina

Should I let my wild heart follow a wild sexual fantasy?

One of my sexual fantasy has always been to be with a man much older to my age. I can’t explain what attracts me to old men but I just find the idea of a discreet dark sexual intimacy with men in their 50s very fascinating.

I have had a steady sex life over the last 5-6 years having been in company of one man or the other on a regular basis. Most of them were my good friends who have been there for me through all my emotional and physical needs. Recently however I decided to take a break from men. It has been over 8-9 months now that I had seen a man or had sex.

This break from sex was a welcome change because I could retrospect what sex actually means to me. I realized it doesn’t mean much except that for few very brief moments few times a week my body yearns for a man’s touch and I start imagining myself sexually involved with a man. The moment passes with a quick masturbation. And then I get on with life only to realize that sex is not indispensable.

Anyway, something happened the other day. I was casually chatting on Yahoo chat and a random stranger popped up on my screen saying he is 56/male/delhi. I chatted up some more and he wasted no time in asking me if I would like to join him for a sex holiday.

Well the question didn’t come out of the blue, no. I did give him sexual hints. For example when he said, “what’s up” I said, “nothing much just watching good old porn.” I have a knack of really teasing a man’s libido like that. Sounding absolutely innocent I asked him when was the last time he had sex. He said a year back. I said, “Wow that’s a long time, I had it 7-8 months back.” He eagerly asked, “who fucked you?” “My friend” I answered, giving him hints that I am game for a casual sex.

So he got the hint very well and asked me, “Will you like travel with me to some place and stay with me for a weekend?” The question was not bizarre, bizarre was that I actually agreed. I said, “Yes why not.” This was the first time I did something so crazy. I was simply not thinking.

But now I am nervous.

After I agreed he asked me questions like, “Do you like anal sex?” “Are you shaved?” “Do you like to suck cock?” “Are you on pills or do you want me to use a condom?” The conversation started to turn me on a bit and at the same time I felt extremely nervous. I tried to avoid answering them and said “I am off to sleep now” and signed out.

As of now we have not exchanged numbers or pictures. So he still doesn’t know my identity.

Do my readers think this is a crazy idea? Should I go for the sake of fulfilling a sexual fantasy? Should I be burdened with taboos and worries or should I just let my wild heart follow the wildest of fantasy?I am worried that he might force me to do things I don’t want to do, or he might drug me film me or some other shit like that.

I am creating the following poll, please cast your opinion or leave a message at the comments section.

An exceprt from something I was writing

Hmm, but can you give love?

Woman I want to give you something more than love, I want to spoil you, I want to tame the wildness in you. I want to make you a slave of my love and then keep you to imprisoned in my heart, I will chain you with passion and drown you in lust so deeply so you’ll never rise up.

Are you married?

Very predictable question, yes I am. But marriage is only a condition; it would mean nothing between us. I have a woman who shares bed with me and who gave birth to presumably my children, I have sex with her whenever I feel like and so does she, if all that is called marriage then yes I am. If you’d think I am bound, I am not.

Why not? Isn’t that is what marriage is?

May be, I don’t wanna argue, just tell me, do you wanna be with me?

Yes why not, she replied. But I have to ask, why do you wanna be with me?

Because you mesmerize me, the wilderness in you teases me, those lonely eyes haunt me when i go to bed, it’s as if I don’t hold you in my arms you will fall, your eyes make me feel like you are surrounded by hungry wolves ready to pownce on you and you are calling me out for help, every inch of your bountiful body makes me wanna protect you from lusty men, your mouth which utters strong angry words – invites me for a kiss, it’s as if that anger will never stop and you will never be at peace if I don’t lock them with my kiss. You are somehow sad and lonely you need someone to pamper you and spoil you. I know in your love I will be spoilt too but I am ready to take that risk.

Hmm, let’s see how you tame me. Let us meet for a weekend trip.

They meet for a trip.

This conservative, moralistic and spiritual man takes her to a hotel room. If there was ever a man born that she should have hated with all her might, this was him.

But tonight she wants to be spoilt. She wanted to tease him with her sexuality, it is very obvious that he is sex deprived. Traditional wife of a traditional family can hardly give him the sexual pleasures she could offer. She has learnt the art well, from the days when she did this to earn some extra pocket money, some she learnt because it was her client’s demands, some she picked up because she was creative.

Tonight she wanted to see him beg her for the most savage sex any woman ever offered to a man. And tonight he wanted to tame the savegeness in her. This should be an interesting play of sex and ego. They enter the hotel room. Dinner was ordered at room.

He asks her do you know the tradition of eating sushi from a naked woman’s body?

The lost soulmate (Final part)

First part here

Second part here

Read on the third and final part: -

A couple of years from the time when the present story ended – in the Vasant Kunj area of New Delhi was born Reema, the first daughter of a newly wed couple. Three years later in the life of another happy couple, living a few blocks away, arrived a sweet little girl named Smriti. 

As to what happened to Farah and Sachin – At the heaven’s gate on that fateful day Farah cried uncontrollably. She never had a tear in all her years spent in living with a broken heart but today her soul cried so loud that it made the universe shudder. She went crazy, she ran about shrieking searching for Sachin all over. An uncontrollable pain cut through her, a pain of not being able to meet her soulmate even after death. There was nothing else that she could do. She had lost him forever. So she sat there and sobbed without any hope.  

An angel then appeared and asked her what the matter was. The angel heard her story and explained to her that she couldn’t meet Sachin because he never came to heaven’s door. He went to hell. 

Farah didn’t understand, she asked, “But why? He never did any thing wrong why did he go to hell? He was a dutiful son who sacrificed his happiness for his parent’s sake, he was loyal to me and after his marriage he remained loyal to his wife. How can he go to hell?” 

“God decides in mysterious ways my child,” said the angel smiling. “Nothing kills God more than causing pain to a heart. Sachin broke 3 hearts. He should have returned love with love. Know this always, that there is no greater a sin than not doing what your heart desires.” 

Farah wasn’t very impressed hearing all that. She refused to accept God’s decision or the rationale behind it. She got even angrier realizing that it was because of God that they couldn’t be together in earth and now the arrogant super being was trying to control their after life too, this she thought was the most vindictive of all actions. 

She was infuriated and demanded she be united with Sachin whether it is in heaven or hell or in between. She gave two hoots about heaven anymore and was more than pleased to travel to hell to meet Sachin. 

But since God was God, he had to play his part. He couldn’t let humans have their way ever, so he decided that the only way they could be united was if they were reborn as humans. 

So, few years later the soul mates were reborn but alas the saga of wandering souls still continued.

The lost soulmate (Part 2)

[First part is here]

That night after making love, she brought up the topic.

“Hey, may be its time we tell our parents about us, what do you think?” She asked lying in his arms.

“Ya, I guess. I don’t know how they would handle the shock though. God it’s going to be tough, it just worries me so much.” He sounded very worried.

“It wouldn’t be a ‘shock’ honey. They already know we are close friends right?”

“Ya, they know we are friends, but that’s it, nothing more.”

“Honey, don’t worry, it wouldn’t be so tough. Just let me meet them once, I’ll win their hearts right away.” She smiled and nuzzled a bit on his chest and said, “And they’ll see their son got the best in the world.” She sounded chirpy towards the end of the statement.

“No, I don’t know, I am not sure if it’s that simple, you know. I mean I’ll see what I can do but I can’t promise anything” He was worried but he was calm.

Farah is usually a calm person too and at this point she simply lost her speech. The words ‘can’t promise anything’ didn’t sound right to her. “Who is waiting for him to promise me anything I have already gained him, haven’t I?” she asked herself.

She didn’t know the relationship that stood over a decade was still waiting for a confirmation; the celebration of their love was still waiting for a promise from Sachin. She didn’t know it was still contingent upon external factors. She had a quick flash back and realized Sachin never promised her anything. True there was never a discussion about marriage or children and she didn’t exactly ask him to promise her a marriage. She always thought promises are not meant to be given or taken, they are meant to be felt within, which, she thought, they did.

Farah turned around and looked into his eyes, “Sachin, don’t tell me you are not sure. This is us Sachin, how can you be not sure. I thought we were always sure, weren’t we? I didn’t know you were still waiting for external factors for us to be sure, Sachin”

“The external factors are my parents Farah, I am nothing without them. And don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming, I mean you are a Muslim, I am a Brahmin, you know how orthodox my family is, I told you remember. Anyway, let me think about it, let me see what can I do. Relax.” Sachin patted her trying to make her go sleep.

“Well, we don’t really have another way you know, I mean it’s not like we’d give up on each other anyway. That’s not gonna happen right? They would just have to be practical. I know it would probably be tough on them to deal with it but they don’t have a choice, do they? I mean it’s our lives you know. If they don’t accept this marriage we’d go ahead with it anyway, time will take care of the hurt and then everything would be just fine, all in good time.” Farah already had the fear of losing him but she did put up a great fight.

She couldn’t win though. Sachin decided to part ways because his parents didn’t approve of the relationship. The last time they met they both cried for hours holding each other. Farah insisted him to not put an end, she insisted that they should go ahead with their marriage plans and rest of the things would fall in place eventually. She had also gathered all information regarding a Court marriage.

But Sachin didn’t want to do anything to hurt his parents. It was not easy for him to handle the pain of separation. In less than a week he had become pale and fragile. He knew no other woman would ever be able to take Farah’s place. Yet, he begged Farah to release him from her love. He said they would both go to hell if they hurt his parents and he wouldn’t be able to live through the rest of his life in peace if she didn’t make him free.

At last Farah gave in. She didn’t want to go to hell by hurting the old couple who had no one else but Sachin. She didn’t want to build her home over broken hearts.

So that night when they made love for one last time they made a promise to each other – that if not in life, they would meet in death. That night, half of their souls were caged forever in one corner of their body and the other half was let off to wander about for the rest of their lives till their bodies were no more and they promised that the wandering souls would meet each other after death at heaven’s gate.

The wandering souls remained in pain and restlessness and waited for the body to die so that they could leave for heaven and meet each other. The caged souls lived the life they were meant to live, forever longing for love.

As expected Sachin married a nice girl his parents got for him. They had two kids and he spent his entire life making them happy and taking care of his ailing parents and died at the age of 71. His body remained faithful to his wife always but his heart forever longed for Farah. He could never forgive himself for breaking Farah’s heart. He realized he didn’t have the courage to stand up for his love. He confessed to his wandering soul that he chose the easy way out, that he didn’t even try.

Sachin never could love his wife either and she knew that. It was not like he was mean to her or anything but there were small things that showed that what he had for her was a lot of care and affection but not love. Like, he would get all worried if she coughed or sneezed, before leaving for work he would advice her again and again not to do any of the chores for the day and take complete rest, but he won’t kiss her bye right before stepping out the door. He wouldn’t come home with flowers. If they would go to a movie he wouldn’t hold her hands. If she held his hands he wouldn’t press it back or caress it. While making love he would never leave the lights on, never really look deep into her eyes. After making love he wouldn’t wrap her naked body in his arms, instead he would get dressed drink water and check on the kids and sleep.

For a very brief period at the start of their marriage Sachin’s wife was sad about the lack of love but eventually she learnt to live like that. She knew that a life sans love was handed to her the day she agreed to an arranged marriage.

Farah never got married. She lived a fast and stressful life where there was no time for relationships. She gave in heavily to smoking, drinking and purposeless sex. After the break up with Sachin she particularly became rude and selfish. For a long time she didn’t date anybody. She was totally submerged into studies and all she aspired and dreamt of was to become an entrepreneur.

She launched a creative media platform for corporate professionals. It was one of a kind and was a runaway success. The platform promoted and helped people working in white collar jobs to explore their creative side. When this start up was launched there was this guy from her college she was casually dating. He fell in love with her smartness and success and wanted to marry her. But she turned him down because she didn’t want responsibilities. She dedicated herself to the company’s growth. After that there was no serious relationships but many flings. She would often sleep with men for selfish reasons. Sometimes because that would help her company grow, sometimes because it gave her an ego boost and sometimes simply because she was horny.

She gained popularity and respect from people far and wide for her work. She won the best young entrepreneur award, most unique start up award, youngest female achiever award and more. When asked about her personal life and why she was single she used to often smile and say, “Well I spend my life doing the amount of work that ten working women cannot do collectively and I make more money than the top ten young entrepreneurs of the country collectively make, but forgive me I don’t have the brain to understand marriage. I mean one man for all your life? No chasing the men, no flirting. Kinda weird for me. Moreover I am very happy in doing what I am doing and I couldn’t have asked for more from my life.”

Behind her fast and bizarre lifestyle however was a sad and lonely person. Behind the strength and determination was a weak and unstable mind. At the end of the success parties when all the champagne were over Farah’s heart used to cry silent tears. So silent that even her mind couldn’t hear them.

On all those nights when she laid on an empty bed and those nights when she got up and got dressed, picked up the car keys and left the guy’s place after a random sex, her heart cried for Sachin, her one true love, the one love for which she would have given up all of the money and success.

She died before Sachin did and waited for him at Heaven’s door. He never came. She waited for almost an eternity but he didn’t come. She thought, “It was not supposed to be like this. We are soul mates. We’ve got to meet. I don’t understand what went wrong.”

(To be continued)

The lost soulmate (Part 1)

On all those nights when she laid in an empty bed and those nights when she got up and got dressed and left the guy’s place after a random sex, her heart cried…

—

It was that wonderful age of infatuation those sweet teens when Farah and Sachin met in a yahoo chat room.

It was those days when cyber chat was the most fun thing for young teens in India. Delhi had Rs.10/- per hour cyber cafe sprung up all over the city. Kids used to spend their pocket money to enter one of those tiny little cafes and be teleported to a world where there was no class, caste, race or religion, where alpha-numeric combination coupled with little bit of wit and flirting used to be the only identity the young hearts had.

Farah was ‘sweetgirl15’ and Sachin was ‘moonboy’. It was an instant connection albeit virtually. As if their souls had entered the computer screen, traveled through the web to reach each other and became one. Phone numbers were exchanged the same day. Within a week they met discreetly in Deer Park.

That was their first date. He had brought a rose for her which she could guess was plucked from the Rose Garden on the way. But to her it was the most precious thing anybody had ever got for her. “Wow, this is just like in the movies,” she thought. When he held out that rose she heard bells ringing somewhere and when her fingers touched his while receiving the rose there were fireworks in her mind and body.

At 15 they both were too young and innocent to even notice that she was a Muslim and him a Hindu, a Bharadwaj Brahmin at that.

Time flew by riding the wings of romance – sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, sometimes cold and sometimes passionate.

Child hood lovers don’t grow up together they grow upon each other. Each learns to become a little bit of what the other wants him or her to be.

Sachin grew up to be a strong headed earthly man. He didn’t believe in fairy tales of perfect love. ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge’ was a crappy movie he thought. “There is just no good reason behind putting your parents through difficult times for the sake of some silly feelings you call love. And all that efforts of impressing the girl’s father is not worth it,” he would say. Needless to say he was not like the conventional boyfriends.

Farah grew up to be an idealist and a dreamer when it came to romance and a pragmatic when it came to her career and studies. She used to love the sweet nothings couples say or do to each other. She wished deeply that Sachin was at least a bit like the conventional boyfriends, she wished he had got her a gift, no matter howsoever small, every time they met. She wished he told her how much he loved her every time they made love. But he never said it and she didn’t either because he never asked.

I said child hood lovers become a bit like what their lovers want them to be when they grow together. So through their growing days, what Farah learnt was to love Sachin unconditionally and what he learnt was loyalty. She loved him unconditionally in sickness and health. She always knew even if he never said it that there was not an iota of doubt that he did love her.

Sachin wasn’t sure if he loved her or not, he was not even sure if there was anything called love which is worth all the efforts they show in movies and books but this much he knew that there would be no other woman he would ever want to be with but Faraah. He didn’t even want to look at any other girl but her. His loyalty towards her was something his friends swore by.

Ten years down the line it was time to take the next logical step for the relationship. Sachin was dreading this day for quite some time. He didn’t know how to tell Farah that he was scared his family will never let him marry a Muslim girl. Farah didn’t have any such fear because she belonged to a very liberal family which had already witnessed inter religious marriages.

(To be continued)

The many masks I wear

The many masks I wear,
Lust to hide love,
Aversion to hide attraction,
I push to actually pull,
I blame thee to escape blame on me.
A knock on my door I hear,
Under the pillow and behind the cupboard I go,
to search for,
the many masks I wear.

Short story: Two way road

“You know I lost my virginity much later than people would usually think.” 

Padmaja told me as we sat around the waiting room waiting for Dr. Kashyap. She seemed lost in thought staring at the aquarium as she said it. 

I knew what she meant. First time I met her she was a virgin and it surprised me as well. I mean looking at her and her lifestyle you can’t tell she stayed away from sex for that long. Her friends often laughed at her, “Who are you saving it for you silly girl? Your knight in shining armour?” 

And some of her feminist friends categorically told her if she was saving her virginity for some man she is going to marry she is totally being a victim of patriarchy. They said, ‘virginity’ by definition is gender discrimination and she should never fall for it. Padmaja now agrees to this thought. Virginity and the hype around it is indeed a method of disrespectful objectification of women. 

But back then in her late teens and early 20s she didn’t care so much about either virginity or feminism. She just wanted her first time to be a nice time. She didn’t want it to be an open and shut case. Drop your pants and bang bang. She wanted the romance; she wanted to spend time with the man before she had sex with him, she wanted to take a moonlight walk holding hands to build up the excitement and all that. But things could never happen that way because she was never into a committed relationship.

Short story: ‘Sainyam’

They were 8 people in the team, 4 girls and 4 boys. The project needed them to travel in pairs to various parts of rural India collecting data, conducting interviews etc. It was a very interesting job one of the best Padmaja ever had. 

In Padmaja’s eyes Uday was the least attractive of the 4 boys in the team. She cannot stand lean bodied men and Uday was lean and fragile. Politically he was inclined towards Hindutva and came across as a patriarchal person. He would talk about Indian culture and tradition all the time and would frown at modernization and westernization. He spoke in pure Hindi more often than required. 

There were enough reasons to repel Padmaja though she didn’t exactly hate him. She just knew she couldn’t be friends with him too easily. 

In between their travel the team used to meet in the project office, share with each other their field experience, submit reports and plan their next tour. Shuffling of the pairs was essential for many reasons. Each person was selected with different skill set and the combinations were meticulously designed as per skills. 

From Author’s life: Sweet nothings

There is this guy, not guy, this man at my work who I somewhat fancy. It’s unbelievable how sometimes our system catches these waves and a transmission begins. I haven’t seen him up until few days back, perhaps he is from the other half, moved to our building after the merger.

Not a great looker but a strange sense of goodness surrounds him. We haven’t spoken so far, I don’t even know his name, yet I know his voice and I know his smell. The first time I noticed him was when we happened to take the elevator together. As the elevator’s door opened on our floor he waited for me to step out first, he followed me out of the elevator but reached the office door before and held it open for me. I smiled and said ‘thank you’ and we walked away on different sides of the corridor.

Years of work experience, been in and out of elevators with hundreds of co-workers but never did I see such gestures from another man. Speakes volumes about him. Since that day we smile and nod at each other in the cafetaria or the lift lobby or the library. The coincidence of taking the elevator together again didn’t occur, yet.

I do a bit more than just smiling and nodding and something inside me tells me he knows that and he follows suite. I look up every time he passes by my desk, every time he speaks loudly on phone I look up and check him out, he does that too. In the morning when I reach my desk I look out for him and if our eyes meet we smile.

Do I have a crush on him? I don’t think so. Crush means a lot more, I am happy doing this much. I don’t wanna know him, be friends with him or anything. In all probability he is a happily married man with kids and all but that is not even my concern, I just like thinking that he is a nice guy and if we were friends he would have been nice to me. It could be an illusion and I wanna keep it that way. It’s just that there is something nice in it, its a nice nothing.